Renewed

Welcome to my blog! I'm flattered that you are interested in, well, anything I have to say, especially if you really know me. And if you don't really know me, well...don't be frightened. I'm not all crazy. Really. Only about 60%.

The fact is, God has been doing some pretty incredible things in my life over the past six months or so. He has been sort of reshaping me lately, and filling my mind with whispers of truth that has inspired some pretty powerful music as a result. Hopefully that music will be available to you soon. And hopefully this blog will inspire you as well.

So, there's this thing about me that you should know: I am an obsessor. Don’t get me wrong; I do not have OCD, and I believe there is a difference. To clarify, I really love having a short-term goal. Sometimes I get myself into trouble by having two or three at a time, and before I know it I am in way over my head. It is not uncommon for me to become locked in on one idea, and from that point on it becomes all I can think about until it is accomplished. Unfortunately, with being a wife, mother, student, employee, volunteer and friend, many of my goals never make it. Or they get pushed from short-term to long term and eventually become fleeting dreams that never were.

Sometimes I get into a scary mindset where I decide I am going to make something happen no matter what kind of time, money or sacrifices it takes. My poor husband can attest to this. And the outcome is never good. I may accomplish my goal, but later come to find out that I have missed out on many blessings and opportunities God has given me along the way. Over the past ten years I had eased myself into the “Sunday Christian” pool, where the water is lukewarm and comfortable. Sing pretty in church, and read my bible a little here and there. But whenever God gave me a chance to step out and make a real difference, I always had an excuse not to take it. And of course, if it was not within the telescopic view of my short-term goals, it was not even an option. What I did not realize is that in my determination to complete these goals, I had slowly created a sticky web of self-obsession. No matter how big or small, all of these little “projects” became the source of my occupation. And forget whether or not the project was glorifying to God, or whether or not I am representing Christ with the results. Before I knew it my obsession began to twist my reasoning, and the purpose became to draw attention to myself and my own accomplishment. My primary focus was to impress others rather than my heavenly Father, who ever longs to love and be near to me. 

My goals had become my idols.

September of 2010 marked a significant awakening for me. It was during that time that God placed several precious people in my path who could see that I was in bondage. By this time, Satan had me completely convinced that I was fully justified in my thinking and actions. I was in desperate need of a spiritual renewal, but my vision was so clouded. Missing blessed opportunities was no longer affecting me. God had enough. It took Him yanking away a precious music ministry opportunity and gift that I cherished to open my eyes and remind me that hey— I am His. All that I am, all that I have, all that I do and say—it’s all for Him. He wants all of me, or nothing at all. It’s time to stop making sacrifices so that I will look good and start making them for the sake of His Glory. The choice is mine. Will I be all in? 

In Sarah Young’s devotional “Jesus Calling,” one particular passage hits me like a ton of bricks every time I read it:

“Keep your focus on Me. I have gifted you with amazing freedom, including the ability to choose the focal point of your mind. Only the crown of My creation has such remarkable capability; this is a sign of being made in My image. Let the goal of this day be to bring every thought captive to Me. Whenever your mind wanders, lasso those thoughts and bring them into my presence. In My radiant Light, anxious thoughts shrink and shrivel away. Judgmental thoughts are unmasked as you bask in My unconditional Love. Confused ideas are untangled while you rest in the simplicity of My Peace. I will guard you and keep you in constant Peace, as you focus your mind on Me.” (inspired by Psalm 8:5; Genesis 1:26-27; 2 Corinthians 10:5; Isaiah 26:3)

As I began to purge my life of the distractions that had been occupying my every thought, I began to feel lighter. Happier. I released all these menacing weights into the hands of my Savior, and He gladly took them and accepted me with open arms. See, that’s how AWESOME He really is. He is so ready and willing to love us, to shower us with His peace, but we have to be willing to change our grasping, controlling stance to one of openness and trust. We can have as much of Him and His peace as we want, through thousands of correct choices each day. The most persistent choice we face is whether to trust Jesus or to worry. But He is our ever-present help in the midst of trouble! We will always have problems and preoccupations in this life, but they shouldn’t become our focus. He is above all these things. As you seek Him in every moment and every situation, He is renewing your mind.  Instead of wearing yourself out with analyzing and planning, let thankfulness and trust be your guides through the day. They will keep you close to Him.

I still face insecurities. God has been placing the most magnificent opportunities in my path lately, but somehow Satan still tries to twist them by making me feel as though I am not good enough. I can’t sing good enough. I’m not good at speaking to crowds of people. Even as I debated on whether or not to write this blog, I could feel the doubt that Satan was whispering into my ear, “But you’re not a writer. You can’t write. Why would anyone listen to you?” However, the worst fear of them all is—I am ordinary. I am not perfectly skinny, I am not a genius or a comedian. I am not the best writer, greatest artist nor am I super athletic. And I certainly cannot sing like Christina Aguilera. Maybe I am just ordinary. But I've realized lately that whether or not that is true in this world, it really doesn’t matter. Because God is going to do extraordinary things through me. There is something truly amazing He’s got planned, and I am ready. I am ALL IN. Are you?

Today I will run and cling to Him, when everything else vies for my attention. The world is desperate to have me, but I am already taken. Chosen. I will run to the One who has crowned me, for His passion for me is smoldering. His jealousy cannot be quenched. He will do whatever it takes to have me, and with three nails and a cross, He did....