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The Voice of Truth

This blog is kinda late.

When I first began posting about the things God has been revealing to me this year, He laid it upon my heart to write on a monthly basis. I’ve done pretty well so far, but as the Queen of Procrastination, I find myself behind once again. I have an excuse, though. To wrap up this year of personal transformation, I have decided to dive headfirst into a group bible study with about ten other women. Just so you know, I haven’t been in a structured bible study since I was in college, and even then, my attentions were divided between my boyfriend at the time, school, work, and shopping. (Hey, don’t judge. We all had more money before we got married, right?)

In college, I was a fairly new believer and in a very different place in my spiritual maturity. Ten years later, God has brought me through so many ups and downs—blessings as well as challenges—that I am simply aching to understand Him more. One thing I have always struggled with is discerning His voice from the Enemy. I really long to know His truth and be able to cling to it in every area of my life. Well lo and behold, the name of our bible study is Discerning the Voice of God, by Priscilla Shirer. I cracked the book on November 1^st, and seriously…ever since, God has been BLOWING MY MIND with His truth. There is no way to describe the study’s effect on me other than simply overwhelming. I walked into this expecting to read and learn the Word more. I walked into it expecting clarification on issues in my life. I was expecting to find new friends to talk to and pray with on this journey to know Him more.

What I was not expecting was for Him to speak so loudly to me that I was driven to my knees, face down in complete, speechless surrender. But He did.

Usually when I think of God, I imagine a great and mighty King; a holy, omniscient, omnipresent, all-powerful Father who is just and merciful towards His children. He is indeed all of those things. But my simple willingness this month to dig in and learn a little more about His character has caused Him to burst open the floodgates, and I’m beginning to realize that there is so much more to our God than I ever thought. One of His greatest desires is to make Himself known to us on an entirely personal level and lead us into a more intimate relationship with Him. Throughout his Word He demonstrates His desire to have a friendship with us. He is not as much interested in us reaching our destination as He is in the knowledge of Him we gain while we are on the journey. He wants us to know Him. 

He wants me to know Him.

With these new revelations, I have really been learning how to hear His voice when He speaks. Since I’ve been aggressively listening, His will for some areas of my life have become clearer, and then there are others where I still patiently await answers. Nevertheless, His truth has been so evident throughout the past month that it seems like it would be impossible for me to miss it again.

Unfortunately, I still do.

Recently I was asked to sing a particular song for a Christmas service at our church, and upon first hearing it, I was worried it may be out of my vocal range. To try and get a better idea of what it should sound like, I listened to other vocalists perform it on Youtube, only to find that they performed it even higher than the recording I had. Immediately, I felt like I was the wrong person for the job. I was convinced someone else should do it. Anyone. I didn’t care who, I just knew that it couldn’t be me, because I wasn’t good enough. I told my friends I felt incapable. They said it sounded great at practice. I asked several others if they might sing it instead. They said no. I begged God to take away my nervousness. It was still there. I prayed for Him to find someone else to do this. He didn’t.

For three weeks I fretted over it. I practiced, and each time I sang it I became more convinced that I simply could not do it. I started to become angry at God, and I couldn’t understand why He would set me up like this so that I would fail and be humiliated. By the night before, any closeness I had developed towards God through my new bible study was gone. I felt so hopeless that I couldn’t sleep, so I wandered over to my computer at 3 a.m. and turned on Facebook. A friend’s recent post caught my eye. He had prepared a sermon for his church service the following day, but had been ill and lost his voice. He desperately wanted to get the message out to his congregation, and was asking for prayers for strength and recovery so that he could speak. A friend responded to this by saying, "You will be exactly what He wants you to be because you are being obedient and bringing the message to those who need it. Prayers have already been said and the victory is HIS. You can't stop that...voice or no voice."

Que the floodgates of truth, again.

Isaiah 54:4 says, “Fear not, for you will not be put to shame; And do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced; But you will forget the shame of your youth, And the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.”

Philippians 2:5 reminds me to have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had: “Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal's death on a cross.”

In other words, He made Himself no reputation. What the heck am I worried about reputation for?

That morning, I offered up the words of condemnation that were in my mind to God in prayer once I recognized they were not from Him. I decided to accept that I am not perfect. I offered up to God what gifts He has given me, and asked Him to bless them and use them for His glory. It was then that I finally felt peace and the freedom to worship, without worrying about what people thought. I sang more confident that morning than I had ever practiced it. Glory to God in the Highest!

Being closer to God as a result of this bible study has been an immeasurable blessing. But I am reminded by all this that the closer we get to Him, the more Satan lashes out and tries to condemn. God’s truth is loving, patient, kind, protective, hopeful, persevering, and unfailing. The Enemy’s voice says the opposite of all these things! He loves to cause doubtfulness and angst, whereas Jesus encourages and reminds us that we can do all things through Him who strengthens us (Phil. 4:13). It doesn’t matter whether or not we’re perfect, we just have to be willing. During this Christmas season, don't be afraid to step out and serve somewhere. You are good enough. Listen to His voice within the depths of your soul, and believe Him. His word holds true, and everything He does is worthy of our trust!

 
P.S.- When doubting your abilities or what God has given you, it always helps to watch Jessica's Daily Affirmation. :-)

The Playground Game

I think, quite possibly, that I may actually be an adult now. I’m not sure when this happened, but it doesn’t seem right. I don’t feel like an adult. As far as I’m concerned, I may as well still have the body of a 13-year-old, because my eyes are still seeing things that 13-year-olds like, and my brain is telling me that I like them too. I’m just going to go ahead and call that “young at heart,” and therefore, a blessing. On the adult side of things though, I’ve gained this weird intuition about stuff that I never had before as a kid. Maybe my overall scope of life is just broadening the older I get. Or maybe, I was bitten by a radioactive spider and now have the “spidey sense” which propels me into hero mode, determined to protect my loved ones from the harsh realities of the world. One thing I know of for sure though—parenthood kicks this sense into super-duper-maximum-hyperdrive.

The other day I took my five-year-old son, Connor, who is my only child, to a park that is not far from where we live. I sat and watched as he bounded over to two boys who were within his age range, so happy that he got his father’s extraverted personality rather than mommy’s hesitant one. He asked them to play, and my heart sank when they ran away from him, snickering. My “adult intuition” kicks in and I see it as an obvious brush-off, therefore Connor should just leave them alone and find someone else who wants to play. My kid though (bless his heart) saw it as a fun game, and therefore chased them all over the playground. As I continued to watch, the boys got meaner whenever Connor came closer and told him to go away. It was all I could do to keep myself planted on the bench, but I thought—no. He needs to learn how to deal with these types of situations, especially with kindergarten on the horizon. With a sharp eye on every move they made, I watched as one of the boys got on one end of a see-saw and called for the other boy. When he didn’t come, Connor took it upon himself to sit on the other end. The boy shouted for him to get off, followed up by the other boy who ran up and tried to push him off. Enter Mama Bear. I told both boys that Connor had a right to play too, which threw water on the fire, but then they both jumped off, ran away and just continued to ridicule him whenever he tried to approach them. Connor finally retreated, and looked for other kids who might be willing to play. It was difficult; most children were already there with friends or siblings, and were not interested in letting in anyone new. Connor and I left the park both feeling kind of defeated.

This part of parenthood is still new to me since my child isn’t quite in school yet. The entire way home I kept thinking about how mean and unfair it was that he, or any kid, should be treated like that. And then it hit me. I see this happen all the time to adults as well—at school, work, and even church. In fact, I’ve seen it happen at pretty much every church I’ve ever been to. Not so much in the form of laughing and snickering when new people walk in, but definitely in body language, such as not making eye contact or closing in a conversing group of friends. Then I started thinking…do I do this? Do I? When newbies walk into my church, do I run to greet and welcome them, or do I run backstage so as to avoid the possible awkwardness of meeting someone new? When I’m in my Sunday school class, do I walk right over to the people I don’t recognize and introduce myself, or do I make a beeline for my best friends and start gushing about the events of my week? Sadly, it’s more often the latter. It’s so easy to fall into this little “playground game” of only sticking with the people you already know. They make you feel secure, loved and appreciated. Stepping out to embrace someone new is indeed a challenge, but it is absolutely necessary if we are to become more Christ-like. Sure, I know all about Matthew 22:39, where Jesus calls us to “‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’” and I do. Well if I do, then why don’t I show it? I read a quote by Mother Teresa the other day that really got my attention. She said:
“Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."

Then she went on to say: 
“We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love. If you want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it. Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.”

I may not be able to drop everything on my plate in order to take a new friend out for lunch the very day I meet them. But I can welcome them, ask them questions, and listen to their answers. Make it a point to remember their name. It takes such simple acts to show love, and it starts with the willingness for Jesus to use you. As much as I want the kids at the playground to break the circle of exclusion and allow my son to play, I need to break the ones into which I tend to withdraw myself—at church, work, school, my neighborhood, or wherever. I’ve got to let go of myself and my own self-centeredness, and be the living expression of God’s kindness in how I treat others. Hopefully then, the joy I have from the amazing grace that He gives me on a daily basis will spill out onto them as well. 

So how do you treat new people who walk into your life or church? I dare you to ask God to break your own heart for them, too. Are you ready? Are you willing to step out of your own “comfort box” and let Him guide you onto whatever path of love lies ahead?

"I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask, 'How many good things have you done in your life?' rather he will ask, 'How much love did you put into what you did?'"
 -Mother Teresa

Triumph Over Trouble

I am really glad summer is over. Or almost over, anyway.
Summertime is always hectic and stressful for me, particularly the months of June and July. This year has been no different. It could be all the birthdays that fall within those months, or the crazy, condensed interim classes that take place....or the fact that the building I work in has been literally ripped apart and rebuilt around me as I float from corner to corner trying to find a place to work. *sigh*
Out of the chaos rose many challenges, both personal and professional. A few days have been quiet and relatively uneventful, but the majority of the summer has had me on my knees, crying out to God in worry and frustration over things that are simply beyond my control. Now, after a much-needed vacation, I am thankful that things seem pretty low-key....for now. No one is sick, work is fairly slow, school responsibilities seem managable. Joy! But as I bask in a peaceful week, I've noticed that so many others around me are dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. When I mentioned this to a friend, she brought it to my attention that perhaps God has given me this "down time" so that I can actually take the focus off of me for a change, and pray for them.

In retrospect, I've come to realize something about my challenges over the summer. Or really, ask myself a question: Would I have relied on God so intensely had everything gone exactly the way I wanted? Is it perfect peace and the absence of problems that drives me to my knees in prayer? Nope. I wish I could say that I spend an hour or two each day thanking God for His many blessings upon my life, but I can't, because I don't. In fact, I find that when things are going great, I tend to spend less time with God. Like I don't need Him. But if my car breaks down or work becomes difficult, prayer becomes much more frequent throughout my day. And if my child were to become sick with some unidentified or untreatable illness, you better believe I would be on my face before God at every free moment I get. Trouble is inevitable--a part of life. Some problems may be worse than others, but the fact is, I can never avoid all of it.

But, I can be ready for it.

In John 16:33, Jesus prepares us for this:
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. "
Here are some profound words coming from who I consider to be the most troubled person in history. A savior, to be exact, who came to us as a man to pay the ultimate price for our sins. Born, hunted, persecuted, tested, betrayed, mocked, beaten, and crucified on a cross. If anyone had trouble, it was him. He also reminds us that despite whatever battles or frustrations we face in our lifetime here on Earth, they come not to impair us, but to improve and strengthen us, as we draw closer to Christ. Jesus promises that he will never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). No matter what! Be still and wait on him, and he promises to refresh us with a peace that only he can give.

In my usually chaotic life, the verse that has brought me the most comfort throughout this entire year is Jeremiah 29:11:
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I find myself going back to this verse constantly, and it never fails to encourage me. It's kind of like God knew we were going to need that or something. Another thing that comforts me is his promise that no matter who we are, no matter what we have done, his grace is extended to us. All we have to do is accept the "living water" that he is so anxiously waiting to give us. We do not have to choose him--he has already chosen us! In this promise, I realize that I don't have to carry the burdens of this life anymore. He has overcome them all. All I have to do is let go and place them into his able hands. And there is nothing--absolutely NOTHING--that he can't handle!

---

Dragon*Con 2011

Well, it's that time of year again.

Every August, anyone who walks into my usually-spotless dining room is likely to stumble over bags of fabric, cans of spray paint, 12-foot rolls of mesh wire, endless toolboxes and a very frantic me, trying to finish up whatever labor of craziness I have convinced myself I can accomplish within the next three weeks. Lists are being made, coolers and suitcases are being dragged down from the attic, 185-page schedules are being printed. Every penny we spend is being watched and diagrams are being drawn on how to pack the car...well, not really about the car thing, but we should. You comic and fantasy veterans who have been there are either suddenly sweating in a panic at my words "three weeks" or jumping up and down in a fit of pure excitement. And for those of you who haven't been there, let me enlighten you on the glorious annual phenomenon that is Dragon*Con.

My first clue that such a gathering existed for all of us sci-fi/fantasy nutcases was back in 1996, when my one-day-to-be husband walked into our Wednesday night college group worship service in spiked shoulder armor and matching gauntlets. Yes, that's my man. Non-conforming and fearless. I can’t be sure, but he may have even been wielding a sword. We were barely friends at the time, certainly not yet dating; in fact, this type of "weirdo alert" behavior gave me good mind to avoid him at all costs. Obviously, I couldn't for long. I was drawn to him like a kid to an amusement park, and came to discover that he enjoyed the same movies, music and artists that I did. Then when I found out that he had read the entire Elfquest graphic novel collection, I knew it was destiny unbound.

Michael introduced me to D*C  in 1997, and I was ecstatic to see that there was a place where I could meet other people who shared the same love for fantasy genres and costuming as much as I do. I have met some of my favorite authors, artists and actors there. It was there that I fell in love with various aspects of Japanese culture, and in 1998 I was delighted to see that I could screen different series’ of anime before I jumped over to the dealer’s room to purchase them. Around 2000 I became engrossed with the advancement of digital graphics in gaming, and found that at D*C I could test just about every game currently on the market to see if it was something we might enjoy before we took the plunge and bought it. There are live performances around the clock from bands with just about every style of music you can think of from classical, to hard rock, to 80’s, to swing, to radio theater. If you are an artist or an art appreciator, you will find some of the most stunningly talented artists of our generation and their displayed works in a ballroom-sized art show. It is nearly impossible to go home from this four-day extravaganza and not be inspired to do or create something.

 

Over the years, I have tried to find a balance between my faith and love for sci-fi/fantasy genres. When I first became a Christ-follower in high school, I was ostracized for some of the music that I listened to, movies I watched and books I read simply because they were not Christian-labeled artists, authors or themes. In a frenzy, I remember throwing everything deemed “un-Christian” away, worried that my love for fairies, wizards, Pern and Enya would cause me to bear false witness in some way. I thought that my love for Jesus would completely change my convictions and interests, and on some things, it did. I let go of many of the darker-themed genres I had been exploring, as well as music by bands inspired from places of anger and violence. I was firmly convicted about these particular things, and felt peace about letting them go.

But the thing is, I reeeeeally wanted to read Harry Potter.

For a long time, I struggled with things like this, and felt like I was always on the fence. Am I a real Christian or not? As a Christian, was it okay for me to be reading books about wizards and magic? Is it okay that I still love some heavy metal music? Is it considered “New Age” that I am into fairies and folklore, or the fact that I am fascinated by middle-eastern culture and belly-dancing? After lots of prayer, council from Christian mentors and good friends who share similar interests, I have a much clearer vision now about the things in my life that are acceptable and unacceptable as a Christ-follower. First, I have come to terms with the fact that our loving God is not out to condemn me and have me live a guilt-ridden life. He created me, and He knows me inside and out. He is the ultimate Creator and has made me in His image, instilling a portion (however small) of His creativity within me. He delights in my creativity and is certainly not out to crush that within me! So...what if a band or a graphic novel I like is questionable? I have discovered that when my eyes are set on Him, He always points me in the right direction; He reminds me to never do something based on how it’s rated in popular culture, but always based on what He is telling me. Every subject is worthy of His attention and prayer. And I can honestly say that when I am digging into scripture and close to Him in prayer, He never steers me wrong.

I found peace about my love for Harry Potter long before the first movie came out, and I have found that several of the bands that perform at D*C lift my spirits and inspire the heck out of me to write more myself. But as the convention bombards me each year with other avenues and expressions of creativity, I find myself again turning to God to show me what is good and pleasing to Him. I love to enjoy others' creativity, and have a yearning to create just like my Father in heaven. If I am willing, I know He will use that gift for His glory.

"Energy and time are precious, limited entities. Therefore, use them wisely, focusing on what is truly important. As you walk close to Me, saturating your mind with Scripture, I will show you how to spend your time and energy. My word is a lamp unto your feet; My Presence is a Light for your path."

-Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Finding God in my Circumstances

**Warning** --Slightly emo post ahead. :)

I don’t know if it’s a girl thing, a stress thing, or a human thing—or maybe it’s a combination of all—but every now and then, I get a little sad for no apparent reason. Does this happen to anyone else? Your life can be going really great with nothing to complain about, and then all of a sudden—BAM. There is just nothing that can make you happy. You focus on the negative aspects of your life, and start to question everything God has placed before you. Sometimes when this happens, I discover that it’s because things aren’t necessarily going as I planned, and I become confused and exasperated. In my prayers, I find myself asking God impatient questions rather than focusing on thankfulness. And sometimes, I get downright depressed. I will mope around the house for a few days in my own little world of self pity, not knowing when exactly I became so incredibly unhappy with life. The fact of the matter is, my life is pretty darn good. I am healthy, have a great job, nice home, amazing friends, exciting ministry opportunities on the horizon, and the best husband and little boy I could ever ask for. So seriously…why does this happen?  

I am no counselor, psychiatrist or doctor. But I do think this happens to many of us, more often than we like to admit. We live in a fallen world where the media is constantly throwing us news of death, destruction and chaos, and it’s hard to not get sucked into a pit of hopelessness over the future of our families and society in general. We don’t have to watch the news for it to happen, though. For many of us, our own difficult circumstances are enough to make life seem unbearable, whether it is financial struggles, a difficult job, a broken family, health issues or something else that weighs heavy on our hearts. This year, I have decided to attack this head on. Because no matter what obstacles the world throws at me, I have a God who is ever for me. And dude—He is not just for me. With a simple cry out to Him, He parts the heavens and swoops to my rescue, dark clouds under His feet! He mounts the cherubim and flies, soars on the wings of the wind at the sound of my call. Out of the brightness of His presence, clouds advance with hailstones and bolts of lightning. His voice thunders as He shoots his arrows and scatters my enemies; the valleys of the sea are exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at His rebuke, at the blast of breath from His nostrils! (Psalm 18:9-15)

Um, yeah. God is way more than just for me.

I know all that sounds pretty crazy. But I believe David was trying to get it through to us exactly how much God longs to fight for us—for our hearts, minds, emotions, everything. I have a good friend that I meet with on a weekly basis, and we talk about everything. If one of us is having a bad week, day or even moment, we call or text the other right away, before we even have a chance to sink down into the pit of self pity. One dreary day, she reminded me of this fiery passion that God has for me, for all of His children, if we would only let Him into our lives. Alright then...so what do I do to get out of the funk? Prayer doesn’t always bring me immediate peace and understanding the moment I say "Amen." In fact, in moments of grief, frustration, or anger about a situation, it rarely does. She had a great idea for me: Write down the most significant things Jesus has taught me and where I currently see Him working in my life. I groaned, thinking writing a bunch of junk isn’t going to help, but I begrudgingly got out my pen and journal. What happened on the next three pages of my journal did not come from me. Here’s the condensed version:

Most Significant Things Jesus has Taught Me:

1. I am sinful. I need Christ to redeem me every day, need to make Him the focus of my life, or my life will always be about me. 
2.  He longs for my faith to grow. He longs for me to reach out to Him more and step out with boldness for His glory.
3.  Jesus’ love has NO LIMITS. On days when my heart feels absolutely void of Him, His heart is never void of me. He will always be reaching for me with an outstretched hand, waiting for me to grasp it.

Number One Areas Where I See Him Working:

1.  He is breaking me of strongholds. Discontentment with areas of my life, insecurities, fear. He is targeting these bondages, opening my eyes and allowing me to see them for what they are: weights of unnecessary stress that I can be free of through Him and only Him. He longs for me to be free!
2. He is increasing my boldness through brokenness.There is no witness like complete transparency with my sin and struggles, and He is equipping me with the confidence I need to be real with others. 
3. He is teaching me to love people unconditionally. It is one of the biggest steps toward becoming like Him. Love them. No matter how uncomfortable the situation—care, ask, spend time. God will mold me into a whole different person, a woman of God who is compassionate and approachable. This is how I long to be!

I was, and am still, pretty amazed after reading this. There are very few times I can think of where I have written something and felt like God completely took over with His own thoughts, and this was one of them. He needed to tell me a few things, and I certainly heard Him. Loud and clear.

Are you or have you been in an emotional funk lately? Whatever you think the reasons might be, you are not alone. You may be just having a bad day, or you may be physically exhausted. You may be dealing with the baby blues, or you may actually be struggling with serious depression. In the latter case, sometimes a doctor’s opinion is definitely needed. But let me encourage you today. God is ready to fight for you! His strength is made perfect in our weakness, and He will never weaken. He never lets go, and when we have nothing left, He longs to carry us. Remember that there is a mighty plan at work, a mission greater than ourselves that we must strive to see. God’s will is to transform us through our trials, not see us become defeated by them. Will we fall down into a pit of self pity? Or climb out into His brilliant light, experiencing peace and freedom as He works within us?

Hope does not disappoint me, because You, God, have poured out Your love into my heart by the Holy Spirit, whom You have given me. -Romans 5:5

Fashion over Faith?

 
I recently had the amazing privilege of speaking to a large group of girls at a youth retreat at my church on the subject of modesty, and often the lack thereof in many of the popular fashions today. This is an area in my life where God has been transforming my mind in terms of the way I dress and why, and I’m glad I finally had the opportunity to share it. I realize that this can be a touchy subject, so to all you ladies who actually owns one of those Hot Topic micro-minis, please don’t throw your stiletto at me. Because chances are, I’ve owned one just like it!

I’ve talked to many women about this, and every time I do it feels as though I am looking in a mirror. No matter how trendy, sexy or unique we try to be, we generally all long for the same thing—to be noticed.  It’s totally true. For me, it’s like this: I’ve never been classified as one of the “Most Beautiful” girls in school, nor did I really do anything else super spectacular that would earn me more than a 1x1 inch spot in the back of the yearbook. So I would resolve to either dressing as trendy as my mom’s budget would allow me, or just flat out crazy to get attention. I had many phases. They went something like this:

4-5^th grade—fluorescent phase.

6-7^th grade—stonewash and rhinestone shirts phase (*shudder*).

8-10^th grade—grunge and Doc Martens phase.

11-12^th grade—Ralph Lauren phase.

College—cropped shirt and navel ring phase.

After marriage and a kid—whatever I can afford with the money left over from paying for groceries, bills and mortgage phase (I have a feeling this phase will last a while).

So, you get where I’m going with this. And I’ve realized lately that although I am getting older, the longing to still be trendy and sexy remains, and the next thing I know I am counting the days until payday and that two-for-one sale going on at New York and Company. It is a vicious cycle really; the fashion industry is constantly throwing reasons why we need to be dressing a certain way, and we believe them, so we scrounge for money to get the latest and greatest styles. Then when people compliment us on our looks, we love it. Admit it, girls! It’s addictive, those feelings of physical affirmation we get from others. But here’s the thing—what if those styles are hurting us more than helping us? What if we are actually getting the opposite reaction of the one we are looking for? How do we really want to be seen—as a bombshell who can pull anything off? Or a godly woman who refuses to compromise her faith for fashion?

Before God really dealt with me on this, I thought that being a little sexy would always impress those around me, and impressing others made me feel good. I justified it in many ways:

Reason # 1: I bust my tail at the gym. I work hard! Why can’t I show it off a little?

Reason # 2: I am a grown, mature woman. I can wear what I want.

Reason # 3: I’m safe—I’m married. It’s not like I’m looking for someone. It’s for my husband….really!

Reason # 4: It’s summer. It’s hot outside! Everyone’s wearing less. No big deal.

And the big kicker for me….

Reason #5: It’s just a costume. It’s a character I’m portraying. I’m just acting! It’s not real…

I have this natural drive to outdo myself when it comes to anything. For example, with every house my husband and I have ever lived in, I have tried to decorate one more elegantly than the last. Also, I’ve had a great time really experimenting with crazy hair over the past several years, and there’s not much I haven’t done to it yet, other than shaving my head completely (Don’t worry, honey—it ain’t happening). Often times I would view outfits the same way, whether it would be for a convention, party, concert, or heck, sometimes even church functions. It really doesn’t matter where we are going; as women, most of us have a natural urge to dress to impress. If something I wore grabbed some attention last time, you better believe I will try to do it again, but even better. And everyone knows that better often means showing a little more skin—at least if we listen to the fashion industry.

I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that I had been living in a constant competition with the women around me. Whether they are my best friends, family, acquaintances, fellow musicians or worship leaders, it seems like I am always comparing myself to others. By nature I always strive to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be, but God has reminded me this past year that I don’t need to show extra skin in order to do that. The fact is, when we put our focus on Christ, it is taken off of ourselves, and we break free from the burden of living up to society’s rules. He replaces that hunger for attention from the world with a hunger for Him and His word. And trust me—His love is more fulfilling than all the compliments in the world!

When God began pressing on my heart about this, He led me to a verse that completely transformed my thinking in terms of my style:

"Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2 NIV

When I read this, I realized that God was gently reminding me that if I would just redirect my thoughts towards Him, He will indeed guide me in my decision-making when it came to what I wear and how it affects others around me. This has caused me to ask myself a few uncomfortable questions, such as, “Why do I feel the need to dress this way?” God convicted my heart right away with His answers, and proceeded to give me many reasons as to why I should shop differently:

Reason #1: I am married, and I don’t wish to arouse the interest of other men.

Reason #2: I have many friends who are guys— some who have girlfriends or are married themselves— and I don’t wish to arouse an unholy interest in them either.

Reason #3: I would like to be an example for my son, so that as he grows up he would strive to seek a woman who is after God’s own heart and not the attention of others.

Reason #4: I would like to be an example to the other women and girls around me, that we can be unique and dress fun without being provocative.

It took me a while, but I have finally realized that other than my beloved husband, the people in my life who love me—whose opinions truly matter to me— are just not impressed with how sexy I can look. Want to know what really does make an impression? Being all in for Christ. It’s a rare woman these days that will not compromise her faith for the sake of being cute and trendy. Believe me when I say this: Christ is the ONLY ONE who can satisfy your need for affirmation, not your friends, family, random folks on Facebook, people in church, in school, or anywhere else. Christ is the only one who can fill your cup to the point where it’s running over and you’re never thirsty again. I have found this to be true, and am glad to say that I have finally given this pressure-to-be-perfect over to Him—the One who made me, who calls me absolutely beautiful. In exchange, He has given me peace, a discerning heart, and a creativity that allows me to be myself while representing Him in all that I say and do.

  

So, all that being said...some of you girls had a few questions for me that we didn't have time to answer, so I thought I would post the answers here in my blog. I hope they are helpful to you!

1. Did you ever wear an outfit you regretted?

Um…yes. Many of you already heard this story, but for those that didn’t, it was at the first Gathering. I wore a little dress that I didn't perceive to be all that short on the rack, however once I was on stage in it jumping up and down and flashing my spanks to 150 people (Doh!), it became very clear that I had made the wrong choice for the occasion. When choosing an outfit now, I ALWAYS consider what I am going to be doing and how much I will be MOVING for that occasion, and therefore avoid many inappropriate wardrobe malfunctions.

2. Who is your favorite designer?

Since I have never been blessed with designer-sized paychecks, I'm afraid to say that I am not really a designer girl. I look for clothes based on their affordable price and how they fit me rather than who made them.

3. What are some of your favorite stores and why?

I like that urban-bohemian type of look, so I tend to shop at places like Buckle, Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie. I have to be smart though, because those stores tend to be expensive and I usually only have so much money to shop. I generally look for shirts and layering pieces that are on sale or on the lower end of the cost scale, and by doing this I find that I often have the budget for an entire outfit. I am a curvy woman who has had a child, so I realize that I can't do the waif-like skinny jeans at any of those stores. For jeans I go to Old Navy or New York and Company, who has cute, trendy skinnys that fit me well and for less than half the price I would find them for in Buckle.

4. How do you pick out your clothing?

When I pick out an outfit, I ask myself several things, such as where I am going? What kind of function/place is it? Will there be guys there? Will I be up high on a stage, or needing to bend over frequently? I have found that I can be so much more relaxed and have more fun when I am not worrying about how my clothes look, or whether or not they are falling off. I try things on and look at every angle to make sure I'm not flashing anything I don't need to be. 

5. Who do you look to for fashion advice?

When I made the decision to start dressing and shopping differently, the first people I began taking notes from were other female worship leaders. I would like to be unique, but not to the point where it is straight up distracting. I began connecting to Women in Worship Network.com and reading articles by Vicky Beeching, Rita Springer and Beth Moore where these issues were being widely discussed in terms of what is appropriate and inappropriate for the stage. For other occasions like work, I often just check out magazines while I’m sitting in the salon. If I see something cute and professional-looking, I may try to find something similar, but make sure it is appropriate for my work environment and job duties.

6. If you're following God's commands, why does it matter what you wear?

Interesting question. Well, let's think about it. What are God's commands in terms of clothing and modesty?  In 1 Timothy 2:9-10, God is about as clear as He can possibly get on this subject:  “And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes. For women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves attractive by the good things they do.” This context relates to public worship, but the principles set the standard for other occasions as well. Now keep in mind, while we as women should not seek to exalt ourselves and satisfy the public with crazy expensive or conspicuous, prideful fashions, that doesn’t mean we have to resort to styles that are plain and outdated. Simply explained, God’s call is that Christians are to be different—distinguishable from the popular culture in how they think and conduct themselves (Matt. 5:16). This truth emerges in the earliest pages of Genesis; Scripture proclaims God’s righteous standards and that He graciously defines limits to our liberty. We are not to just acknowledge a higher standard, but to live to the highest standard—a standard of purity and holiness. Be yourself, dress fun, be an individual! But remember who bought you. Represent Him in all that you say, sing, do, and in all that you wear!