I recently had the amazing privilege of speaking to a large group of girls at a youth retreat at my church on the subject of modesty, and often the lack thereof in many of the popular fashions today. This is an area in my life where God has been transforming my mind in terms of the way I dress and why, and I’m glad I finally had the opportunity to share it. I realize that this can be a touchy subject, so to all you ladies who actually owns one of those Hot Topic micro-minis, please don’t throw your stiletto at me. Because chances are, I’ve owned one just like it!
I’ve talked to many women about this, and every time I do it feels as though I am looking in a mirror. No matter how trendy, sexy or unique we try to be, we generally all long for the same thing—to be noticed. It’s totally true. For me, it’s like this: I’ve never been classified as one of the “Most Beautiful” girls in school, nor did I really do anything else super spectacular that would earn me more than a 1x1 inch spot in the back of the yearbook. So I would resolve to either dressing as trendy as my mom’s budget would allow me, or just flat out crazy to get attention. I had many phases. They went something like this:
4-5th grade—fluorescent phase.
6-7th grade—stonewash and rhinestone shirts phase (*shudder*).
8-10th grade—grunge and Doc Martens phase.
11-12th grade—Ralph Lauren phase.
College—cropped shirt and navel ring phase.
After marriage and a kid—whatever I can afford with the money left over from paying for groceries, bills and mortgage phase (I have a feeling this phase will last a while).
So, you get where I’m going with this. And I’ve realized lately that although I am getting older, the longing to still be trendy and sexy remains, and the next thing I know I am counting the days until payday and that two-for-one sale going on at New York and Company. It is a vicious cycle really; the fashion industry is constantly throwing reasons why we need to be dressing a certain way, and we believe them, so we scrounge for money to get the latest and greatest styles. Then when people compliment us on our looks, we love it. Admit it, girls! It’s addictive, those feelings of physical affirmation we get from others. But here’s the thing—what if those styles are hurting us more than helping us? What if we are actually getting the opposite reaction of the one we are looking for? How do we really want to be seen—as a bombshell who can pull anything off? Or a godly woman who refuses to compromise her faith for fashion?
Before God really dealt with me on this, I thought that being a little sexy would always impress those around me, and impressing others made me feel good. I justified it in many ways:
Reason # 1: I bust my tail at the gym. I work hard! Why can’t I show it off a little?
Reason # 2: I am a grown, mature woman. I can wear what I want.
Reason # 3: I’m safe—I’m married. It’s not like I’m looking for someone. It’s for my husband….really!
Reason # 4: It’s summer. It’s hot outside! Everyone’s wearing less. No big deal.
And the big kicker for me….
Reason #5: It’s just a costume. It’s a character I’m portraying. I’m just acting! It’s not real…
I have this natural drive to outdo myself when it comes to anything. For example, with every house my husband and I have ever lived in, I have tried to decorate one more elegantly than the last. Also, I’ve had a great time really experimenting with crazy hair over the past several years, and there’s not much I haven’t done to it yet, other than shaving my head completely (Don’t worry, honey—it ain’t happening). Often times I would view outfits the same way, whether it would be for a convention, party, concert, or heck, sometimes even church functions. It really doesn’t matter where we are going; as women, most of us have a natural urge to dress to impress. If something I wore grabbed some attention last time, you better believe I will try to do it again, but even better. And everyone knows that better often means showing a little more skin—at least if we listen to the fashion industry.
I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that I had been living in a constant competition with the women around me. Whether they are my best friends, family, acquaintances, fellow musicians or worship leaders, it seems like I am always comparing myself to others. By nature I always strive to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be, but God has reminded me this past year that I don’t need to show extra skin in order to do that. The fact is, when we put our focus on Christ, it is taken off of ourselves, and we break free from the burden of living up to society’s rules. He replaces that hunger for attention from the world with a hunger for Him and His word. And trust me—His love is more fulfilling than all the compliments in the world!
When God began pressing on my heart about this, He led me to a verse that completely transformed my thinking in terms of my style:
"Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2 NIV
When I read this, I realized that God was gently reminding me that if I would just redirect my thoughts towards Him, He will indeed guide me in my decision-making when it came to what I wear and how it affects others around me. This has caused me to ask myself a few uncomfortable questions, such as, “Why do I feel the need to dress this way?” God convicted my heart right away with His answers, and proceeded to give me many reasons as to why I should shop differently:
Reason #1: I am married, and I don’t wish to arouse the interest of other men.
Reason #2: I have many friends who are guys— some who have girlfriends or are married themselves— and I don’t wish to arouse an unholy interest in them either.
Reason #3: I would like to be an example for my son, so that as he grows up he would strive to seek a woman who is after God’s own heart and not the attention of others.
Reason #4: I would like to be an example to the other women and girls around me, that we can be unique and dress fun without being provocative.
It took me a while, but I have finally realized that other than my beloved husband, the people in my life who love me—whose opinions truly matter to me— are just not impressed with how sexy I can look. Want to know what really does make an impression? Being all in for Christ. It’s a rare woman these days that will not compromise her faith for the sake of being cute and trendy. Believe me when I say this: Christ is the ONLY ONE who can satisfy your need for affirmation, not your friends, family, random folks on Facebook, people in church, in school, or anywhere else. Christ is the only one who can fill your cup to the point where it’s running over and you’re never thirsty again. I have found this to be true, and am glad to say that I have finally given this pressure-to-be-perfect over to Him—the One who made me, who calls me absolutely beautiful. In exchange, He has given me peace, a discerning heart, and a creativity that allows me to be myself while representing Him in all that I say and do.
So, all that being said...some of you girls had a few questions for me that we didn't have time to answer, so I thought I would post the answers here in my blog. I hope they are helpful to you!
1. Did you ever wear an outfit you regretted?
Um…yes. Many of you already heard this story, but for those that didn’t, it was at the first Gathering. I wore a little dress that I didn't perceive to be all that short on the rack, however once I was on stage in it jumping up and down and flashing my spanks to 150 people (Doh!), it became very clear that I had made the wrong choice for the occasion. When choosing an outfit now, I ALWAYS consider what I am going to be doing and how much I will be MOVING for that occasion, and therefore avoid many inappropriate wardrobe malfunctions.
2. Who is your favorite designer?
Since I have never been blessed with designer-sized paychecks, I'm afraid to say that I am not really a designer girl. I look for clothes based on their affordable price and how they fit me rather than who made them.
3. What are some of your favorite stores and why?
I like that urban-bohemian type of look, so I tend to shop at places like Buckle, Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie. I have to be smart though, because those stores tend to be expensive and I usually only have so much money to shop. I generally look for shirts and layering pieces that are on sale or on the lower end of the cost scale, and by doing this I find that I often have the budget for an entire outfit. I am a curvy woman who has had a child, so I realize that I can't do the waif-like skinny jeans at any of those stores. For jeans I go to Old Navy or New York and Company, who has cute, trendy skinnys that fit me well and for less than half the price I would find them for in Buckle.
4. How do you pick out your clothing?
When I pick out an outfit, I ask myself several things, such as where I am going? What kind of function/place is it? Will there be guys there? Will I be up high on a stage, or needing to bend over frequently? I have found that I can be so much more relaxed and have more fun when I am not worrying about how my clothes look, or whether or not they are falling off. I try things on and look at every angle to make sure I'm not flashing anything I don't need to be.
5. Who do you look to for fashion advice?
When I made the decision to start dressing and shopping differently, the first people I began taking notes from were other female worship leaders. I would like to be unique, but not to the point where it is straight up distracting. I began connecting to Women in Worship Network.com and reading articles by Vicky Beeching, Rita Springer and Beth Moore where these issues were being widely discussed in terms of what is appropriate and inappropriate for the stage. For other occasions like work, I often just check out magazines while I’m sitting in the salon. If I see something cute and professional-looking, I may try to find something similar, but make sure it is appropriate for my work environment and job duties.
6. If you're following God's commands, why does it matter what you wear?
Interesting question. Well, let's think about it. What are God's commands in terms of clothing and modesty? In 1 Timothy 2:9-10, God is about as clear as He can possibly get on this subject: “And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes. For women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves attractive by the good things they do.” This context relates to public worship, but the principles set the standard for other occasions as well. Now keep in mind, while we as women should not seek to exalt ourselves and satisfy the public with crazy expensive or conspicuous, prideful fashions, that doesn’t mean we have to resort to styles that are plain and outdated. Simply explained, God’s call is that Christians are to be different—distinguishable from the popular culture in how they think and conduct themselves (Matt. 5:16). This truth emerges in the earliest pages of Genesis; Scripture proclaims God’s righteous standards and that He graciously defines limits to our liberty. We are not to just acknowledge a higher standard, but to live to the highest standard—a standard of purity and holiness. Be yourself, dress fun, be an individual! But remember who bought you. Represent Him in all that you say, sing, do, and in all that you wear!
