The Path of Peace

Me:  I still don't know why we were spared and they weren't. Makes no sense, and I just hurt for all those people.

Mark C:  For the same reason why if the insurgent was one degree to the left he would have hit my tent...instead he hit the other tent. We both have something else we need to do. Somebody to influence. Somebody to be influenced by. Everything you have done up until this point was for a reason. Every person you have met is a piece of the puzzle of your life that will make up the big picture of the purpose God wants you to fulfill.

In light of all the recent tragic news and events, a good friend of mine reminded me of this. And I really needed to hear it. The past few weeks have held enough tension, destruction, death and grief to send me into a panic attack, which is one problem I can honestly say I’ve never had to deal with before. That is, until now.

Normally if I’m freaking out, I might drop to my knees in prayer, write it out in my journal or talk to a friend to try and make sense of the emotional chaos. None of that helped. So many people in immediate need…yet I am only one person. Prayer just doesn’t seem like enough. Nothing I can do is enough. Then when the news of Bin Laden’s death hit the world, I felt overwhelmed with the strangest mixture of relief, satisfaction, grief, and then ultimately, FEAR. Fear for my family, for our country, for our military. Lots and lots of fear, which drove me to wallowing to the point where my husband was begging me to simply tell him what will bring me out of this funk and he would make it happen. Unfortunately, nothing. I just needed to wallow it out. Fortunately however, God has granted me a perspective that I didn’t quite have before. I may not be able to pull a Superman (or Supergirl) and turn back the clock to save all those people, and I may only have so much time to volunteer and so much money to give. But a little something in me has changed. As I go about my daily routines, I have gained a bit more awareness for, well, life. And the fact that I still have one. And as I embrace it more, I’m realizing that I really want to live it differently than I have been.

At the end of my last post, I reverberated my goal to actually be “all in” for Jesus this year. I’ve been longing to really experience His presence in all of the areas of my life for a change, and have surrendered a few things just knowing that I would receive abundant blessings as a result. And granted I have seen a considerable difference. The opportunities alone that He’s been giving me to glorify Him and share with others has been pretty crazy, and they have caused me to step out in ways that would have terrified me just one year ago. I have come to expect more clarity and confidence in my future as well as the future of my family as I put more trust in Him. Staying consistent with my devotional times and limiting my distractions has brought about more intimacy in my relationship with Him. Patience is still a hard one. Lord knows you don’t want to be anywhere around me if my kid accidentally misses the toilet, or even worse, if I’m battling it out in a boss fight in Final Fantasy 13. It’s worse than an Auburn vs. Alabama football game. Yeah…still working on patience, but it’s getting better.

All that being said, what I didn’t expect was for God to reveal some very interesting things to me about myself that I didn’t necessarily want to know. And let me tell you, there is absolutely no one in this world who can deliver the unconditionally loving—yet brutal—truth to you better than your spouse. This morning, I thought about maybe writing this blog on issues I felt like I may be having with pride. So I asked my wonderful husband if he thought that I came across as a prideful person. His response?

“Not really. You tend to be more self-centered than prideful.”

Ouch.

After I “lovingly” asked him if there were any other flaws he would like to bring to my attention, I fumed all the way to work over his response. And then the light came on.

This week I have been challenged with a situation at work that is requiring me to lay down all of my pride about my workspace. We are moving into a new building in several months which has caused nothing short of a chaotic frenzy as we try and squish four people and most of their office contents into a 20X30 foot space. Challenge is really an understatement. When I realized how messy my world was about to get and how much space I was about to lose, I panicked. I decided to try and reason with my boss to get the space I needed, which only made her feel as though I was defying her position of authority, which only made me mad that she seemed more concerned about being authoritative than being logical. At that point, all reason was out the window, and it became a sheer battle of wills. 

Self-centered.

My needs. My stuff. My space. Me, me, me….right? WRONG! So dead wrong.

One of my recent devotionals has “miraculously” spoken to me in light of this issue. 1 Peter 2:13-17 says:
“Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent to him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.”

1 Peter 5:5 calls for us to “clothe ourselves with humility toward one another, because God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 

Well look at that. Ouch again.

Once again, God has presented me with a nice slap-in-the-face style of growth opportunity. It was so easy to view this situation as unfair and complain about it—which I did—instead of letting go and leaving my cares in His able hands. As I was busy trying to reason and make things go according to my will, God was busy transforming me in yet another area that needed some serious work. While I was deifying my desires, He was leading me in a totally different direction. Too bad it took several days and lots of griping for me to finally see it.

My husband has a pretty cool response to questions about why things are happening that we don’t understand: “There is one almighty God and Father, and I am not Him.” Straight and to the point. His thoughts are not my thoughts, and His ways are not my ways. I may not get what’s going on and I may not always like it, but bottom line is I’ve got to trust Him anyway. This week has shown me that once I truly let go and just let Him take the reins, everything else fades into the background. He is so desperately longing to unclutter my mind and occupy my consciousness, if I would only let Him. Every challenge is a hand-tailored blessing designed for my benefit and growth. It's simply one more step in the direction of living differently. I will choose to let Him guide me step by step and stay close to Him—on the path of peace!

Renewed

Welcome to my blog! I'm flattered that you are interested in, well, anything I have to say, especially if you really know me. And if you don't really know me, well...don't be frightened. I'm not all crazy. Really. Only about 60%.

The fact is, God has been doing some pretty incredible things in my life over the past six months or so. He has been sort of reshaping me lately, and filling my mind with whispers of truth that has inspired some pretty powerful music as a result. Hopefully that music will be available to you soon. And hopefully this blog will inspire you as well.

So, there's this thing about me that you should know: I am an obsessor. Don’t get me wrong; I do not have OCD, and I believe there is a difference. To clarify, I really love having a short-term goal. Sometimes I get myself into trouble by having two or three at a time, and before I know it I am in way over my head. It is not uncommon for me to become locked in on one idea, and from that point on it becomes all I can think about until it is accomplished. Unfortunately, with being a wife, mother, student, employee, volunteer and friend, many of my goals never make it. Or they get pushed from short-term to long term and eventually become fleeting dreams that never were.

Sometimes I get into a scary mindset where I decide I am going to make something happen no matter what kind of time, money or sacrifices it takes. My poor husband can attest to this. And the outcome is never good. I may accomplish my goal, but later come to find out that I have missed out on many blessings and opportunities God has given me along the way. Over the past ten years I had eased myself into the “Sunday Christian” pool, where the water is lukewarm and comfortable. Sing pretty in church, and read my bible a little here and there. But whenever God gave me a chance to step out and make a real difference, I always had an excuse not to take it. And of course, if it was not within the telescopic view of my short-term goals, it was not even an option. What I did not realize is that in my determination to complete these goals, I had slowly created a sticky web of self-obsession. No matter how big or small, all of these little “projects” became the source of my occupation. And forget whether or not the project was glorifying to God, or whether or not I am representing Christ with the results. Before I knew it my obsession began to twist my reasoning, and the purpose became to draw attention to myself and my own accomplishment. My primary focus was to impress others rather than my heavenly Father, who ever longs to love and be near to me. 

My goals had become my idols.

September of 2010 marked a significant awakening for me. It was during that time that God placed several precious people in my path who could see that I was in bondage. By this time, Satan had me completely convinced that I was fully justified in my thinking and actions. I was in desperate need of a spiritual renewal, but my vision was so clouded. Missing blessed opportunities was no longer affecting me. God had enough. It took Him yanking away a precious music ministry opportunity and gift that I cherished to open my eyes and remind me that hey— I am His. All that I am, all that I have, all that I do and say—it’s all for Him. He wants all of me, or nothing at all. It’s time to stop making sacrifices so that I will look good and start making them for the sake of His Glory. The choice is mine. Will I be all in? 

In Sarah Young’s devotional “Jesus Calling,” one particular passage hits me like a ton of bricks every time I read it:

“Keep your focus on Me. I have gifted you with amazing freedom, including the ability to choose the focal point of your mind. Only the crown of My creation has such remarkable capability; this is a sign of being made in My image. Let the goal of this day be to bring every thought captive to Me. Whenever your mind wanders, lasso those thoughts and bring them into my presence. In My radiant Light, anxious thoughts shrink and shrivel away. Judgmental thoughts are unmasked as you bask in My unconditional Love. Confused ideas are untangled while you rest in the simplicity of My Peace. I will guard you and keep you in constant Peace, as you focus your mind on Me.” (inspired by Psalm 8:5; Genesis 1:26-27; 2 Corinthians 10:5; Isaiah 26:3)

As I began to purge my life of the distractions that had been occupying my every thought, I began to feel lighter. Happier. I released all these menacing weights into the hands of my Savior, and He gladly took them and accepted me with open arms. See, that’s how AWESOME He really is. He is so ready and willing to love us, to shower us with His peace, but we have to be willing to change our grasping, controlling stance to one of openness and trust. We can have as much of Him and His peace as we want, through thousands of correct choices each day. The most persistent choice we face is whether to trust Jesus or to worry. But He is our ever-present help in the midst of trouble! We will always have problems and preoccupations in this life, but they shouldn’t become our focus. He is above all these things. As you seek Him in every moment and every situation, He is renewing your mind.  Instead of wearing yourself out with analyzing and planning, let thankfulness and trust be your guides through the day. They will keep you close to Him.

I still face insecurities. God has been placing the most magnificent opportunities in my path lately, but somehow Satan still tries to twist them by making me feel as though I am not good enough. I can’t sing good enough. I’m not good at speaking to crowds of people. Even as I debated on whether or not to write this blog, I could feel the doubt that Satan was whispering into my ear, “But you’re not a writer. You can’t write. Why would anyone listen to you?” However, the worst fear of them all is—I am ordinary. I am not perfectly skinny, I am not a genius or a comedian. I am not the best writer, greatest artist nor am I super athletic. And I certainly cannot sing like Christina Aguilera. Maybe I am just ordinary. But I've realized lately that whether or not that is true in this world, it really doesn’t matter. Because God is going to do extraordinary things through me. There is something truly amazing He’s got planned, and I am ready. I am ALL IN. Are you?

Today I will run and cling to Him, when everything else vies for my attention. The world is desperate to have me, but I am already taken. Chosen. I will run to the One who has crowned me, for His passion for me is smoldering. His jealousy cannot be quenched. He will do whatever it takes to have me, and with three nails and a cross, He did....